waiting
I was reading Elle/Breakfast for Dinner's latest Substack about waiting and, with the first two sentences, felt the need to write my own post about it :B
Lately, I’ve been doing lots of waiting. This occurs in various places and forms.
I've been in a state of suspended animation since August 25th. It almost exclusively relates to work, but I keep finding myself with thoughts of "I'll do X after that's done" or "I'll continue with Y after work stuff is resolved" or even "I can't go to Z because what if work situation needs me?". It seems like my energy is focused on this one (1) situation and everything else must be paused... or I'll invite disaster or something.
Very much unlike Elle, however, I do not feel any sense of patience. What I have, instead, is an anxiety disorder :D
After years of therapy, I'm aware that most of my anxiety is anticipatory. It's about the journey, not the destination. It's about the time and space in between where I am before and where I will be after. Once reached, I cannot escape. If I cannot escape, there is no more anxiety \o/
(In this case, once the thing happens, I don't have to think about it anymore.
It's all I've been doing for a month now and I am tired of it.)
This waiting has kept me from making an effort with ongoing projects, from going places, from sleeping properly (!!!!). It has made me stressed. It has given me heartburn, of all things. There are 2 months left of the year and I very much wish for this to be solved before October truly arrives so I am able to participate in spooky month without hesitation. @ Universe pls make it happeeeeeennn